These days, the most important thing for university students in Korea is getting a job. Somebody who get a job successfully feel very happy, and everybody envies them. In fact, however, the job will not, and can not make a person happy unless the job is really he is looking for, because nowadays people are too busy and forced to work too much without their will. This tendency seems good only for companies, because the more employees work, the more profit will come to them. However, as time goes by, it will reduce people's desire for hard-work. Therefore, They must make people work less then now, and make them take enough rest.
If employees are forced to do so much work, they lose the desire for work, because people always live for something meaningful. If their works are truly meaningful for them, or the earth, they will happy no matter how many times they work. However, the most of thing in the companies are just for money, and companies' profit. They are meaningless. People work just to earn enough money for living with their family. If companies force them to work too much, it means "Do something more for company's profit even though it is meaningless for you. I will pay some more money. You are an employee, so it does not important that if it is meaningful to you or not." It reduces employees' desire for work and love for company.
In addition, people who have regular hobbies are better at working. People who are busy because of things which they like live happy lives. If an employee have something really interesting to do after work, he/she will work very hard waiting for 6 p.m., when he/she can leave the building. He/she can do his/her work much better than people who spend much more time at office at night, without any expectation.
The most important effect of taking enough rest is that working too late is obviously bad for health. Working more time means that time for doing some exercise is reducing. Spending whole day sitting on the chair facing the monitor can not be good for your health. Wearing suits, tapping keyboard and drinking coffee from the bending machine everyday will destroy your body. No matter how much money you earn, what does it mean to you?
Companies do not want to give employees more vacations and leisure times. They love employees who work overnight. They do not want to recognize that they are killing their employees. Everyday, the world is getting more convenient than yesterday, but our lives are getting much more busy than yesterday. Something is wrong, obviously.
I think your writing had a consistent theme throughout, but maybe you could have used other examples rather than relating everything to employees at companies. Also, I liked how you described companies as "killing" the employees because it had a strong impact in expressing your emotion towards this topic. Good work :)
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