I currently live alone near campus and do not have a TV in my room. For the past year or so, I've been able to cope just fine without a TV because I download the programs or movies that I'd like to see from the Internet and watch them on the computer. Personally, I think that's a more efficient way of watching TV programs since there are no commercials when you watch them on the computer. Moreover, TV has a negative influence on children and teenagers. I think TV is the most influential medium for them when growing up, hence, many programs and films that have violence, obscenity and sexual materials in them are imprinted in their minds, which have the possibility of eventually affecting them in the future. One of the consequences of these influences might be crime and this may lead to further problems for the children themselves and the society. Therefore, I think life without TV is possible since there are other means for watching programs and films, thus, prevent children and teenagers being exposed to violent and sexually provoking materials.
To Joung HwanPark from Sejong Lee.
ReplyDeleteyour writing is very interesting your hook is very interesting that you start with your experience that now have a TV in my room. It really interests me. Also it was very unique point that TV prevents children from violent and sexual materaiels.
But it would be more great if you write more reason for why we cannot live without TV. You only shows reasons compared with computer materials. Also Internet are most days more easy to touch with adeolscent with violent and sexual materials. I think it would be better if you make this a bit more clear.
1. What I like about this piece of writing is your writing is very simple, concise and has strong supporting points.
ReplyDelete2. Your main point seems to be that we can live without TV, since we have other means for seeing programs and TV do have bad influence on kids.
3. 'imprinted in their minds' made a good impression on me. This expression describes what exactly you are saying.
4. In your writing, there are many 'I think' and it is fine without this.
5. Your writing is good overall. 'many programs and films that have violence, obscenity and sexual materials in them are imprinted in their minds, which have the possibility of eventually affecting them in the future.' It would be better to change this sentences like this. 'Many programs and films that includes the content of violence, obscenity, and sexual materials may be imprinted in their minds, which is likely to affect their character formation in future.'